 Many couples have expressed times when they felt like their marriage was on the verge of divorce, and that they had lost all feelings of love for each other. But I believe there are two reasons we can learn to love. First, the Bible commands us to love each other. Ephesians 5:25 tells us, “Husbands, love your wives.” God would not require of us something that we cannot control. Second, I know of many couples who have done it—even couples who once thought their feelings were dead, but they have been resurrected, and their love has been rekindled.
No matter how badly you have been hurt, or how dead you think your feelings are, God can resurrect your situation if you will cooperate with his will. It takes both husband and wife determining that they will love each other if God is going to restore their love. Both partners must work together in order for love to be rekindled. In his book, Marriage by the Book, Bob Russell mentions some things you can do if you really want to rekindle love in your marriage. One thing to do is to make a commitment to your partner exclusively. Winston Churchill inspired England during World War II when he said, “Wars are not won by evacuations.” Marriages are not kept together by bailing out, so don’t look around wondering whether somebody else is available for romance. It might seem like the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, until you are there and realize that it needs mowing too. Love involves loyalty and work in order to flourish. Renew your commitment to your mate. Second, pray for God’s power to transform your feelings. You might feel like that “lovin’ feeling is gone, gone, gone,” but God can help you to release your hostility and replace it with compassion. It’s hard to stay mad at someone you are praying for, and prayer can release God’s healing power in your marriage, as well as help you to swallow your pride and humble yourself before him. If you dare, the two of you can pray together. You will be amazed how much of a difference that makes in rekindling your love. Ephesians 3:20 says that God is able to do immearsurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work in us. A third thing you can do to build warmth in your marriage is to intentionally act the way you wish you felt. Love, as described in 1 Corinthians 13 involves actions we do whether or not we feel like it. If you act the way you wish you felt, you will eventually feel the way you act. If you allow your emotions to dictate your life, you well be vulnerable to all kinds of instability and perverted activity. Doing what you know you should do, regardless of how you feel, eventually changes your feelings. That’s not being hypocritical or inauthentic; that is living obediently and wisely. Have you ever learned something new, or maybe you had to adjust how you did something? Maybe you had to cut salt or sugar out of your diet. Or maybe you had to change the way you grip a tennis racket or a golf club. Maybe you decided to watch less television or not spend so much time scrolling through social media in order to get to bed earlier and get started on the next day sooner. Perhaps you have decided to speak less critically and with more encouragement. At first, change can feel awkward, uncomfortable, and tedious. But eventually, you act yourself into the right way of feeling, and the transition becomes normal. When we decide to mature and grow in our relationship with our spouse by doing what it takes to rekindle love, we are deciding to set our feelings aside in order to do things God’s way. If two Christian people will really surrender their lives to Jesus and then to each other, he will bring them together. That means going to church regularly and talking about your spiritual values with one another as you interact daily. And just as in Jesus there is no sin or past failure that can’t be forgiven and forgotten, so is there no wound that can’t be healed when we give grace and forgiveness to each other. Happy Valentine’s Day! Tyler
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